I'm sick of only seeing guides how to win more games. That's why I want to teach you today, step by step, how you can lose most of your games. This guide will also give you the skills to see past your mistakes and see who is truly at fault (Spoiler: not you).

Your average losing game should look similar to this blueprint:

1. Instalock Reyna. Preferably you should unplug your mic and/or have a big ego.
2. Say "hi" during load-in or after the game starts. After that, don't say a word. There is nothing to gain by talking. Save your breath for screaming later.
3. If you are attacker: Lurk. Show your allied Cypher how much he sucks at entrying by constantly using him as bait. You should also save your flashes as long as you can, because those bad boiz are expensive and you never know when they could be useful (literally).
4. If you are defender: Gather info. If you hear a lot of footsteps, you should try to confirm whether it's 4 or 5 people on your site. If facechecking is not an option (e.g. because they don't push your site), you should slowly stark flanking. Even if your team calls 5 people planting on B site, the attackers could in theory still rotate back towards A. Only after the announcer says "Spike Planted" should you move.
5. Understand that any info given by your team may be false. How could your low-elo teammates ever give you any good info as bottom frags? Exactly. That's why you should never listen [and never respond; Check step 2.] and only trust yourself. Even the minimap might be glitched and that's why you should never take your eyes of your crosshair for those sweet "onetaps".
6. After establishing your superiority on the leaderboard, make sure that everybody takes notice. Start by asking your Cypher why he sucks so much at this game and tell your enemies that you are stuck with noobs.
7. If you didn't unplug your mic in Step 1, now would be a good time for a motivational speech. After dying, you can use common inspirational quotes like "Oh my god, this fucking Cypher", "shut up" and "Cypher buy me a gun you idiot".
8. By establishing your leadership-role through the leaderboard (hence the name), you have also prooven yourself as the best player in the team. Try to give your low-elo-teammates some advice by pointing out everything you don't like, so that they can become like you. If you saved your breath before, you can talk louder now - by doing that, you ensure that enemy footsteps are not masking your words of wisdom.
9. Should you be at any point 2 rounds behind, try to surrender the game. Grinding competitive is a long and harsh journey - by giving up the game when "it's lost" already, you can save yourself some time and some nerve, because watching your Cypher enter site for the 6th time (literally) is just "soo baaad".
10. You should vent at your teammates (sus) and try to convince them to "win the game" with your inspirational quotes. If you didn't manage to convince them, just leave. If the best player leaves, even your team will understand that it's their fault for losing the match (somehow).
11. Write "gg ez, report Cypher".
12. Repeat Steps 1-11.
13. ???
14. ~~Profit~~ RR Loss

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