My last post was a huge success, so I figured I could karma-whore a bit longer. These are awful descriptions of the gun types as viewed by an amateur Valorant player.

Pistols: The poor person’s guns. The only good reasons to be using a pistol are brokeness and your other gun needing a reload. Of course, there is the third and shitty reason which is being so cocky, so confident, and so reckless that you’ve decided to use the smallest guns despite being able to afford bigger guns. Pistols aren’t useless though, they can still kill a person in seconds as long as I can Stop MISSing THESE HEADSHOTS!!!

SMGs: The constantly-reloading guns. “I swear this magazine was full a second ago, oh well, thanks for holding onto all these bullets for me.” The SMGs have the highest fire-rates (besides the Odin, but it has to rev up) of the guns. This gun type is the best for the aggressive run-and-gun playstyle since hitting headshots isn’t as important when you can make a person 25% lead in half a second. However, the high fire-rates combined with medium ammo counts means reloading more often than you disappoint your parents.

Shotguns: The corner-camping guns. Shotguns are great. They’re cost-efficient, good for surprising enemies, have high burst-damage, all at the mere cost of losing the respect of everyone in the game. Not once has someone ever been killed by a shotgun and thought, “Wow, that guy’s strategy and gunplay is impressive and he rightfully earned that kill.” But hey, dignity doesn’t win games, cheesing does.

Rifles: The basic guns. For most people, this is the gun type they will use 90% of the time, and for good reason. Rifles are typically dependable at all ranges. The only reason people complain about rifles is because they aren’t similar enough. “Weh, this Vandal skin is better than the others cuz of the sound it makes. Wah, the Phantom is better than the Vandal because of these slight stat differences that totally have a huge, game-changing effect. Bwah, the Bulldog doesn’t one-shot headshot, so it’s basically useless.” Invigorating debate.

Snipers: The long guns. You want to kill that guy, but he’s s o f a r a w a y. Snipers come with greatly zoomed scopes that make it much easier to shoot people from great distances, and that’s why you got pissed when the guy 50 meters away with a pistol killed you before you could land a shot. Strangely, the two snipers have vastly different levels of skill associated with them. If you get one-shot by a Marshall, you have to respect the precision of your murderer. If you get one-shot by an Operator, then Riot’s dumb, life is unfair, and God hates you in particular.

Heavies: The spray-and-pray guns. It’s bad enough there are people shooting at you, now the walls are shooting bullets too. When wielding a heavy, you become a weatherman, and the forecast is a rain of bullets. Once a heavy starts firing, it can take several seconds before it needs to stop. On top of that, heavies compete with SMGs in terms of fire rate, tear through metal walls like they’re paper, and have massive magazines. These beefy guns are balanced by how slow they are. If a player is caught reloading, equipping, or sometimes even peaking with a heavy, then you can be sure the heavy is dead.